Can of Worms

Okay, so apparently all I needed to light a fire under my ass was to just start telling a story. So, Asshole Boyfriend. Yeah.

He called, I was excited, yada yada yada. He said all the right things and asked me out. I. cannot. remember. our. first. date. I remember the before. I remember being extremely nervous and trying to watch for him out of my seventh story window. He arrived, and we went...somewhere. No clue. Cannot pull it up for the life of me. Cannot remember our first kiss. Although I know we kissed that night. It is gone.

I do remember him telling me that he was going home that weekend for his birthday. Now that I type that I can't remember specifically what day his birthday is!! Geez, my memory is TERRIBLE!!! That weekend was Labor Day weekend, and I went home a bit but back to school shortly after learning that my curfew was still in effect.

That Monday, I was thrilled when he called again and wanted to take me out to eat. I remember this specifically because I had eaten a bowl of ravioli, and yet I let him take me to Appleby's where I ate chicken fingers. I am disgusted with myself even now. One of his friends tagged along that night, it was casual. I remember when AB dropped me off that night him getting on to me about liking his friend more than I liked him. I did not like the way that made me feel. I ignored it and assured him that of course I liked him more. It was all downhill from there.

I'm pretty sure that it was only three weeks later that we were engaged. He stood in the parking lot of his fraternity house and told me that 'when you find the person you want to spend forever with, you want forever to start right now.' I was wrapped up completely. And let me stop here and interject: I knew all along that this was against my grain. But I was eighteen. I really felt that when I loved someone, that would be the only person in my life that I would love and it would all be a neat little fairy tale. I remember the first time I told him that I loved him. I had to force myself to say it. I wanted it to be true, but deep down I knew it wasn't. But I digress, so the engagement, got a ring, freaked the hell out of everyone, not the least of which were my parents, I'm sure.

I wanted to wait until we were married to have sex. I told him that and he agreed. But somehow, he kept pressuring me to do it. Finally, around week 5 of our relationship, I sprained my ankle. Bad. He took care of me, took me to the clinic, did everything I needed. I was weak. He was caring. I gave in. I haven't reflected on this, maybe ever, but I HAD A SPRAINED ANKLE THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX. It was awful. And, although I wouldn't have admitted it then, I felt damaged. I was the living embodiment of making my bed and having to lie in it.

And, with that, I have to take a break. More to come.

Lighting the Corners of My Mind

So, recently I received a friend request--a SECOND friend request--from someone who I like to think of as Asshole Boyfriend. Not even deserving of being referred to by his name.

He is someone that I don't like to think about often. I certainly do not talk about him. It was my freshman year of college, and I was too green to burn. I hadn't ever had a real boyfriend, and I was ripe for the picking. Young, virginal, reeling with newfound independence...I was an easy mark.

We met in a group of friends; I didn't think he noticed me at all the first night. He was cute enough--previously a football player in JuCo. So, when I heard through the grapevine that he wanted my number, I was surprised. And, although my friend told me that she had heard some not-so-good things about him, I decided to chance it.

Apparently, he had a little reputation of being a stalker. Calling too many times, showing up when he wasn't supposed to, etc. I brushed it off as girls being stupid and petty. My internal alarms were blaring STOP! THIS IS WRONG! But I squelched them and pressed ahead. I wanted to be wanted.

To be continued...

Rambling

I woke up at 4:45 this morning with the intent to do some cleaning or exercise. I sat down *just for a minute* to read the end of Eclipse, and well, next thing I knew...it was 6:00 and I still wasn't finished the book yet!! At least I got through the fight. (Re-read, I should say. I have finished the series once.)

I love to read. My problem is getting too distracted when I am in a book. I find it virtually impossible to put it down.

I am so pre-menstrual right now it is driving me mad. I feel completely de-railed. Argh. Pressing on. It will pass. I wish that I could clue into myself enough to spill it all on paper, but I can't form a thought that I am willing to type. Maybe later.

Okay, I Get It...I Suck.

Scratch that plan for July. My self-imposed writing challenge was the surest way to block anything close to inspirational. Whatev.

Why is it, though, that I have such a hard time doing the things that I like to do? Like writing, or walking, or having a clean house? I can rationalize not doing them all day long so well, you would think I was trying to avoid the plague!! Blah!

Today I am feeling really unbalanced. I need to center myself. I think I am getting more comfortable with taking a spiritual journey (seeking things outside of Christianity...not to replace, just to supplement) and trying to just breathe and focus.

I have an overriding thought the last couple of days. Not a totally foreign one, but it is making me think. I wonder if I am being present enough for my kids. Is there a way for me to not work (or not work so much) and be able to provide for them? I feel like I am not able to give them enough consistent quality time...I'm sure a concern of all working mothers...and I am so stressed to the max, that I can't really be present when I am with them. I worry about my daughter. I think she needs me more, and needs more structure. Less TV. How can I accomplish this? How could I be able to pick her up in the afternoons and help her with her homework rather than squeezing it in after I get home at 6:00 in the evenings?
How could I afford to pay my bills? Other people get by with a lot less salary than we have--why can't I?

(I know the answer to that last question is 'because I don't want to,' but I don't want to accept that fact right now).

To be continued...

Whoops

So, five days in and already missing days. Oh well, I'm going to press on. I actually had an idea for a post, but now I've lost it. I'll be back...

Life is What Happens While You're Busy Making Other Plans

Happy Fourth!!

Zen

I had a good walk first thing this morning and it got my creative juices flowing. I came home and made a patriotic door hanging that I like. I really am trying to let my exercise be an organic process right now. I am not forcing it, just enjoying it.

All in all, a pretty good day. Am looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with the fam. Hopefully it will be low on drama!