Background

I am not petite. Never was, never will be. The first time that I remember being big, though, was in the third grade when my dance instructor told me (and the class) that I would be the first to develop breasts. I don't really think she was taking a stab, but even at 9 years old I had the accute sense that it was because I was fat. And let me clarify, I wear my weight pretty well. If you looked at 9 year old me, you would see a girl, a little chubby, but by no means would you think 'fatty.' Baby fat.

In the fourth grade, the teacher got each of us in front of the room and weighed us. Not for announcing the info or anything, but I still question why in the hell she needed to know our weight. I weighed 100 pounds. I was embarassed.

In middle school and through high school my parents would try anything to get me to exercise and diet. They are both physically fit and my mom is petite. I felt singled out, though I would have never admitted it at the time. On a couple of occasions, I remeber making deals (bribes?) to lose XX amount of weight in a certain time and getting a $200 shopping spree. I never got the shopping spree. And still through high school, I was big, but not grotesque or anything. If I had lost 20 pounds, I would have been perfectly acceptable.

I am writing all of this to force myself to try to remember how I got to this point. I am not placing blame, just trying to peel away the layers of the onion.

One more insight for now. I don't like to do things at which I may not succeed. This extended from me not trying out for cheerleader in middle school, to not taking the $200 bribe. I make excuses for not doing things when the real reason is that I am afraid to fail. I think that my body feeds into that as well. It kept me insulated from having to do things that I may have failed at.

Of course....I could also have succeeded.