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I have a problem adjusting to change. After my first child was born, I went through some post-partum depression, that was nasty and unexpected. Again, as is a theme with me, I did not seek help and I SHOULD HAVE. I wasted so much time feeling rotten and something could have been done about it! Prideful and stupid!!



I was tired, sluggish, confused, sad, angry...and it festered. I definately was not able to connect with my baby like I thought I should be...and I was ashamed!! I always thought motherhood would come easy to me...not that I assumed it would be easy, but I thought I would be a natural (afterall, I had a good example in my mom). I think that the lesson I had to learn - and that I am still learning - is that I am not my mom. And that is okay.



I never hurt my baby, but I did have really ODD thoughts during this time. I was irrationally terrified to hold her on a sidewalk or the driveway, cause I had overwhelming thoughts of dropping her. Also, I remember at night when she would wake I would be so exhausted that I would think "I can just put her outside of the window and then it will be quiet and I can sleep." And I was lucid enought to KNOW how crazy that was...but it was still a thought that I had!

Anyway, that was the first round of real depression that I have dealt with. Well, not counting my freshman year of college. But that is another story for another time. At any rate, I still feel reverberations from the PPD. In some ways, it is a funk that never entirely went away. I read an article about rumination this week and that fits me to a 'T.' I over-analyze myself until there is nothing there.