Let It Be

Wow. I really thought I had more to say than this. I don't want to be all dark all the time, and I guess I haven't been feeling too dark at all lately to want to come here and reflect. Just a few random observations/ponderings...

I always thought that I partied a normal amount in college. I recently have been reflecting on that somewhat and am wondering if that is not so much true. I have a friend that in college swore that she saw me getting sick in a garbage can in our dorm. A fact that I always laughingly disputed...but now I wonder, did it actually happen and I have absolutely no memory of it (or ever did. I have a terrible memory).
One I was thinking about this morning is a formal party I went to my freshman year. I remember getting ready in the dorm. I was wearing the dress I had worn to junior prom. I remember getting ready, because other girls on my hall were going to a different formal than I was that night, and I remember talking about it with them. I can remember nothing else from that night. I don't remember getting picked up, I don't remember where the party was, I don't remember what I drank, ate, said, did....anything. Did I get so fucked up that I blacked out? (well, obviously, but I passed out a LOT, and yet still could remember things that went on) Or did something awful happen that I have deleted from my memory? It is bizarre.
I have always felt a little (probably within the range of normal) awkward in social situations, and alcohol always helps. At the time, I never thought of myself as taking it too far. But more often than not, when I started drinking, I kept going until I could drink no more. Due to not being conscious. Hmmm...

Second random thought of the day. I have always been overly inquisitive. Why not just ask? A lot of times, people will answer. Well, I got my comeuppance last week. I don't want to elaborate, but I unfortunately stumbled upon some history last week (because I asked) that I believe has very subconsciously effected my psyche and has unknowingly contributed directly to my neuroses. Getting this information has made me so much less curious about things...at least for the time being. Sometimes, there really are things you don't want to know. But when you find out, you can't go back. I feel like my whole world has been rocked off of its axis. And yet, at the same time, nothing has changed. And I think that I feel oddly comforted, somewhere in the depths of being completely horrified, by this knowledge.

Life goes on.