Random Thought I Don't Want to Tweet

Prozac = liberating dose of self assurance.
That, or a better defined sense of Fuck It.
Either way, I'm loving it.

I just realized that I did not take it this morning. whoops.

Clarity, Briefly

Had a good follow up with my Internist today. She is the best. Yes, I need a psychiatrist, but my Internist is my Confessor, the only one (well, her and her GI spouse) that know the tip of my secret iceberg.

I feel healthier having visited her, somehow more whole. I think that I would greatly benefit from having a counselor/therapist in the same way, but...baby steps. We are upping my dose of Prozac. Its funny, 4 months ago - although I KNEW I needed to be on something - I dreaded it. I felt as if I was admitting defeat. I should be able to manage my emotions, my behaviors, my self. Problem is...I can't. I can't do it without help. Anyway, today, even before the dose increase...I don't want to stop taking the meds. I feel as if I have been ironed out. I am able to think through things clearly and process things on what feels like a normal level. I can be outside of my head. Oh, how much do I love being outside of my head?!?!!!!

Recently, an acquaintance remarked on how they have seen me at the gym with no headphones. "I could never do that," she said. My response was that I have a lot of things to sort out up there. And it's true. I may never come to a conclusion, but I have always felt the need to focus my energy on just thinking sometimes. It may be an elaborate fantasy that I want to think through, just to escape. It may be mulling over my relationships, my shortcomings, my successes. Either way, sometimes I just have to wrap myself in silence and just exist alone with my thoughts. What I am learning is that for me, the flip side of that is just as important: I have to periodically 'check out' of my self and realize that I can...I am...functioning...and I am doing okay.

Starting....Now.

I have done nothing but eat for the past week. And how! Junk, junk, junque!!! It has been disgusting, and I have probably put on at least 8 pounds (in two weeks, I'll say). However, through the magic of prozac, I am secure in the fact that I will regain ground quickly and get back into my healthy eating routine. And, truly, I want to. I feel gross.

Catharsis

I have an eating disorder. Probably more than one. I have not yet sought help in the form of therapy, but am currently on medication that is helping me keep things under control. I need a way to get my thoughts out of my head and hopefully worked out. Therefore, hello Internet, mind if I sit on your couch and spill my guts*? Oh yeah, and I am over 30. This isn't going to be your normal blog.

*Under the circumstances, I realize that this phrase was probably not the best choice of words.