Forgive me this moment of self-indulgence. Recovering from an eating disorder has got to be harder than being a recovering alcoholic. That probably sounds unintelligent and self-serving, and I guess it is. But you don't need alcohol to survive. If you stop drinking, you don't have to keep drinking...just not too much or too little.
However, with food...you kind of do need it to survive. You can't just stop. And with an eating disorder, it is a daily, hourly, minute-ly (ahem) battle with a) if you are eating; b) what you are eating; c) how much you are eating, etc. You can't escape it.
I had a stomach bug last week and threw up once. It was the first time in over 6 months that I had vomited. And it was involuntary, honestly. And yet, I still felt a warm sense of happiness wash over me when it happened. I have realized over the past week that with the help of meds and time, I do not have the strong desire to purge any more. That is an accomplishment. Yet, I still fight a daily battle between not eating enough and eating too much.
I used to wish to be anorexic (rather than bullemic). I coveted the willpower it took to simply not. eat. food. I guess that's just not my brand of crazy, though...I was never any good at it. I still have that thought flash through my head at times. And I am still no good at not eating.
So, I do feel that I am "better" in a sense, but the reality that I must accept is that I will live with this for the rest of my life to some degree.
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