Bottoms Up

Forgive me this moment of self-indulgence. Recovering from an eating disorder has got to be harder than being a recovering alcoholic. That probably sounds unintelligent and self-serving, and I guess it is. But you don't need alcohol to survive. If you stop drinking, you don't have to keep drinking...just not too much or too little.

However, with food...you kind of do need it to survive. You can't just stop. And with an eating disorder, it is a daily, hourly, minute-ly (ahem) battle with a) if you are eating; b) what you are eating; c) how much you are eating, etc. You can't escape it.

I had a stomach bug last week and threw up once. It was the first time in over 6 months that I had vomited. And it was involuntary, honestly. And yet, I still felt a warm sense of happiness wash over me when it happened. I have realized over the past week that with the help of meds and time, I do not have the strong desire to purge any more. That is an accomplishment. Yet, I still fight a daily battle between not eating enough and eating too much.

I used to wish to be anorexic (rather than bullemic). I coveted the willpower it took to simply not. eat. food. I guess that's just not my brand of crazy, though...I was never any good at it. I still have that thought flash through my head at times. And I am still no good at not eating.

So, I do feel that I am "better" in a sense, but the reality that I must accept is that I will live with this for the rest of my life to some degree.

Great Message

...in church, of all places! Yesterday, the homily was about choices. If someone walked up to you with two platters and on one was bad health and the other was good health...well, the choice is obvious, isn't it? We would all certainly choose good health. So, picture the same person walking up with the same two platters, but on one was cheeseburgers, fries, cake, chips, m & ms, the works, and on the other was broccoli and tofu...the choice becomes a little more difficult.
Difficult, but still basic. Our lives come down to choices. They are constant, and can be overwhelming...but we choose our outcomes. They are not handed to us. If I want to be healthy, then I need to evaluate each decision I make and choose the path that will lead to health...mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.
And yes, each time I have one of these life-changing epiphanies, they seem rather...obvious and blatant, but if I had this all figured out from the get-go, well, then life wouldn't be very fun now, would it?

Things To Do Today...

As this is my venue for airing my neurotic successes (and non-successes), allow me to digress...
I have to brag on myself for mostly sticking to my house-cleaning schedule last week. Yes, many things were done after schedule....but they were done! I am not going to be on the cover of Southern Living...well, ever, but certainly not anytime soon, but I am counting this as capital 'P' Progress!!
Having a schedule WRITTEN IN BLACK AND WHITE that I can physically encounter every day is essential to me getting things done. Its just how my mind operates. I am an ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs, and while I can't tell you in detail what that means exactly, I can tell you this: I (marginally) draw my energy from other people, I don't like a lot of bullshit, I make decisions based on fact and reason rather than feelings (mostly), and I LIKE LISTS!! You would think that by the hardened age of 32 I would have realized that this would apply to housework as well as everyotherthingikeeplistsfor. Who knew? Pressing on...