Friday, July 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
And.....?
So, having said all that (see previous posts), why would I even consider accepting the Facebook friend request? AB sent one several months ago, along with a message (I know, who sends a message, right?) that said "its been a long time, no hard feelings." Well, you know what? I have hard feelings!! And maybe that makes me childish and petty, but so what. I guess I'm just the person who can't be friends with an ex. Not that I have so many major ones to choose from, but there it is.
But then I thought...what if he really has grown up and I can be the bigger person here by accepting his friend request. I debated it. I discussed it with friends. I even mentioned it to college friends for the shock value. The answer was a collective 'no.' I made myself go down that path of memories (maybe not in the detail I have described here) and ultimately, I told myself...no, reminded myself that that was a really, really dark period in my life. He controlled me and scared me, and even if I haven't completely processed through all of that...I have moved on. I don't need to go back there. If I did accept the friend request, it would be out of sheer nosy-ness. I couldn't imagine having a Facebook 'conversation' with him. So what would the point be? I clicked 'ignore.'
And then, out of the blue, clear sky (Ha! That was "our song." How apropos.) he sends another friend request! Who does that? After you've been ignored once, let it go!! And why would I even ever consider accepting it???????
Right now, I'm settling for just glancing at his info every now and then to satisfy any curiousity.
But then I thought...what if he really has grown up and I can be the bigger person here by accepting his friend request. I debated it. I discussed it with friends. I even mentioned it to college friends for the shock value. The answer was a collective 'no.' I made myself go down that path of memories (maybe not in the detail I have described here) and ultimately, I told myself...no, reminded myself that that was a really, really dark period in my life. He controlled me and scared me, and even if I haven't completely processed through all of that...I have moved on. I don't need to go back there. If I did accept the friend request, it would be out of sheer nosy-ness. I couldn't imagine having a Facebook 'conversation' with him. So what would the point be? I clicked 'ignore.'
And then, out of the blue, clear sky (Ha! That was "our song." How apropos.) he sends another friend request! Who does that? After you've been ignored once, let it go!! And why would I even ever consider accepting it???????
Right now, I'm settling for just glancing at his info every now and then to satisfy any curiousity.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Turn the Page
So, I was miserable and pretending to be ecstatic. AB just plain frightened me at times. I had never ever seen myself being the victim in an abusive relationship, yet that is where I found myself. I withdrew from my friends, all but stopped going to class, and drank a LOT. A lot, a lot, a lot.
Second semester just got worse. We pretty much moved in together in a crappy one-bedroom apartment. As I force myself to type that, I feel like a weight is on my chest. It is ridiculous...I knew at the time that I wanted no part of that, but yet I allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it. Why? Spring semester, I went to class even less than the first, and dropped out of all but like 2 of my classes. And I failed one of those. It was awful. I don't really consider myself as ever having been truly suicidal, but I do recall fantasizing more than once about what it would be like to fall out of my seventh story dorm room. I remember packing up and leaving to go home for the summer. I cried as he held me. I was afraid that nothing would be the same the next year; he assured me that it would. I was probably unconsiously more afraid of owning up to my parents for the...well, for the lack of grades from that semester.
Somehow, I convinced my parents to let me go back to school in the fall. I am surprised they agreed to that with as little fanfare as they did. I had reconnected with some of my girl friends, and was looking forward to going back to school. At one point, toward the end of the summer, I had given AB back his ring, not to break the engagement, but because he couldn't afford it. I was making him return it. It was around that point that he had called me at work and we got in some meaningless fight on the phone. It may have had something to do with the ring. At any rate, he ended the phone call by calling me a "fucking bitch" and hanging up on me. I snapped. He called back; I didn't pick up. When I got home from work I went on a walk, wanting to avoid the enevitable phone call that would come there. Walking around my neighborhood, I saw what I dreaded most: his pick-up turning the corner and pulling into my parents' driveway. I panicked. I am so usually the one to avoid drama, so I was in a very uncomfortable position. I made a split decision to go to a very close neighbor's house rather than going home. From there I called my mom and told her that I was done with AB and that I didn't want to see him. She convinced me to come home to relay the news to him myself.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but with the knowledge that my Daddy was inside the house, I laid out the law on the sidewalk. I was over it, beyond it, through with it. Done. And I knew that I would not be returning to it this time, period. (like most melodramatic couples, we had had a couple of trial 'break ups' that never lasted long)
He sent flowers to work (I gave them to my mom), he came to work to give me a fraternity bid in jest (I didn't accept), he had HIS MOM call to try to talk to me (please)...on and on. I went back to school, and tried the friend route. We even had a near miss or two...hooking up, but after one of those nights, he went psycho. He yelled at me and practically chased me around his fraternity house. It was all I could do to get out of there. He called incessantly. I destroyed every single piece of photographic evidence of the relationship.
Fortunately, the freaky episodes got fewer and fewer. He tried a few times to reconnect, but I was determined in my resolve. I am lucky that he was never physically violent with me, but I know in my heart that it would have gone there had we stayed together. I also know how trapped it feels to be in an abusive relationship. It is like all of the air is squeezed from your body. As sick as it is, you somehow feel committed to the farce of it all, even though you know it is not healthy or right.
I didn't know where I stood when that relationship was over. My childhood ideal of only being in love once was crushed. I felt like I had been used and put back on the shelf. But I was free. And I knew that whatever else, I would absolutely not put myself in that position again. Ever.
Second semester just got worse. We pretty much moved in together in a crappy one-bedroom apartment. As I force myself to type that, I feel like a weight is on my chest. It is ridiculous...I knew at the time that I wanted no part of that, but yet I allowed myself to be manipulated into doing it. Why? Spring semester, I went to class even less than the first, and dropped out of all but like 2 of my classes. And I failed one of those. It was awful. I don't really consider myself as ever having been truly suicidal, but I do recall fantasizing more than once about what it would be like to fall out of my seventh story dorm room. I remember packing up and leaving to go home for the summer. I cried as he held me. I was afraid that nothing would be the same the next year; he assured me that it would. I was probably unconsiously more afraid of owning up to my parents for the...well, for the lack of grades from that semester.
Somehow, I convinced my parents to let me go back to school in the fall. I am surprised they agreed to that with as little fanfare as they did. I had reconnected with some of my girl friends, and was looking forward to going back to school. At one point, toward the end of the summer, I had given AB back his ring, not to break the engagement, but because he couldn't afford it. I was making him return it. It was around that point that he had called me at work and we got in some meaningless fight on the phone. It may have had something to do with the ring. At any rate, he ended the phone call by calling me a "fucking bitch" and hanging up on me. I snapped. He called back; I didn't pick up. When I got home from work I went on a walk, wanting to avoid the enevitable phone call that would come there. Walking around my neighborhood, I saw what I dreaded most: his pick-up turning the corner and pulling into my parents' driveway. I panicked. I am so usually the one to avoid drama, so I was in a very uncomfortable position. I made a split decision to go to a very close neighbor's house rather than going home. From there I called my mom and told her that I was done with AB and that I didn't want to see him. She convinced me to come home to relay the news to him myself.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but with the knowledge that my Daddy was inside the house, I laid out the law on the sidewalk. I was over it, beyond it, through with it. Done. And I knew that I would not be returning to it this time, period. (like most melodramatic couples, we had had a couple of trial 'break ups' that never lasted long)
He sent flowers to work (I gave them to my mom), he came to work to give me a fraternity bid in jest (I didn't accept), he had HIS MOM call to try to talk to me (please)...on and on. I went back to school, and tried the friend route. We even had a near miss or two...hooking up, but after one of those nights, he went psycho. He yelled at me and practically chased me around his fraternity house. It was all I could do to get out of there. He called incessantly. I destroyed every single piece of photographic evidence of the relationship.
Fortunately, the freaky episodes got fewer and fewer. He tried a few times to reconnect, but I was determined in my resolve. I am lucky that he was never physically violent with me, but I know in my heart that it would have gone there had we stayed together. I also know how trapped it feels to be in an abusive relationship. It is like all of the air is squeezed from your body. As sick as it is, you somehow feel committed to the farce of it all, even though you know it is not healthy or right.
I didn't know where I stood when that relationship was over. My childhood ideal of only being in love once was crushed. I felt like I had been used and put back on the shelf. But I was free. And I knew that whatever else, I would absolutely not put myself in that position again. Ever.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Can of Worms
Okay, so apparently all I needed to light a fire under my ass was to just start telling a story. So, Asshole Boyfriend. Yeah.
He called, I was excited, yada yada yada. He said all the right things and asked me out. I. cannot. remember. our. first. date. I remember the before. I remember being extremely nervous and trying to watch for him out of my seventh story window. He arrived, and we went...somewhere. No clue. Cannot pull it up for the life of me. Cannot remember our first kiss. Although I know we kissed that night. It is gone.
I do remember him telling me that he was going home that weekend for his birthday. Now that I type that I can't remember specifically what day his birthday is!! Geez, my memory is TERRIBLE!!! That weekend was Labor Day weekend, and I went home a bit but back to school shortly after learning that my curfew was still in effect.
That Monday, I was thrilled when he called again and wanted to take me out to eat. I remember this specifically because I had eaten a bowl of ravioli, and yet I let him take me to Appleby's where I ate chicken fingers. I am disgusted with myself even now. One of his friends tagged along that night, it was casual. I remember when AB dropped me off that night him getting on to me about liking his friend more than I liked him. I did not like the way that made me feel. I ignored it and assured him that of course I liked him more. It was all downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure that it was only three weeks later that we were engaged. He stood in the parking lot of his fraternity house and told me that 'when you find the person you want to spend forever with, you want forever to start right now.' I was wrapped up completely. And let me stop here and interject: I knew all along that this was against my grain. But I was eighteen. I really felt that when I loved someone, that would be the only person in my life that I would love and it would all be a neat little fairy tale. I remember the first time I told him that I loved him. I had to force myself to say it. I wanted it to be true, but deep down I knew it wasn't. But I digress, so the engagement, got a ring, freaked the hell out of everyone, not the least of which were my parents, I'm sure.
I wanted to wait until we were married to have sex. I told him that and he agreed. But somehow, he kept pressuring me to do it. Finally, around week 5 of our relationship, I sprained my ankle. Bad. He took care of me, took me to the clinic, did everything I needed. I was weak. He was caring. I gave in. I haven't reflected on this, maybe ever, but I HAD A SPRAINED ANKLE THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX. It was awful. And, although I wouldn't have admitted it then, I felt damaged. I was the living embodiment of making my bed and having to lie in it.
And, with that, I have to take a break. More to come.
He called, I was excited, yada yada yada. He said all the right things and asked me out. I. cannot. remember. our. first. date. I remember the before. I remember being extremely nervous and trying to watch for him out of my seventh story window. He arrived, and we went...somewhere. No clue. Cannot pull it up for the life of me. Cannot remember our first kiss. Although I know we kissed that night. It is gone.
I do remember him telling me that he was going home that weekend for his birthday. Now that I type that I can't remember specifically what day his birthday is!! Geez, my memory is TERRIBLE!!! That weekend was Labor Day weekend, and I went home a bit but back to school shortly after learning that my curfew was still in effect.
That Monday, I was thrilled when he called again and wanted to take me out to eat. I remember this specifically because I had eaten a bowl of ravioli, and yet I let him take me to Appleby's where I ate chicken fingers. I am disgusted with myself even now. One of his friends tagged along that night, it was casual. I remember when AB dropped me off that night him getting on to me about liking his friend more than I liked him. I did not like the way that made me feel. I ignored it and assured him that of course I liked him more. It was all downhill from there.
I'm pretty sure that it was only three weeks later that we were engaged. He stood in the parking lot of his fraternity house and told me that 'when you find the person you want to spend forever with, you want forever to start right now.' I was wrapped up completely. And let me stop here and interject: I knew all along that this was against my grain. But I was eighteen. I really felt that when I loved someone, that would be the only person in my life that I would love and it would all be a neat little fairy tale. I remember the first time I told him that I loved him. I had to force myself to say it. I wanted it to be true, but deep down I knew it wasn't. But I digress, so the engagement, got a ring, freaked the hell out of everyone, not the least of which were my parents, I'm sure.
I wanted to wait until we were married to have sex. I told him that and he agreed. But somehow, he kept pressuring me to do it. Finally, around week 5 of our relationship, I sprained my ankle. Bad. He took care of me, took me to the clinic, did everything I needed. I was weak. He was caring. I gave in. I haven't reflected on this, maybe ever, but I HAD A SPRAINED ANKLE THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX. It was awful. And, although I wouldn't have admitted it then, I felt damaged. I was the living embodiment of making my bed and having to lie in it.
And, with that, I have to take a break. More to come.
Lighting the Corners of My Mind
So, recently I received a friend request--a SECOND friend request--from someone who I like to think of as Asshole Boyfriend. Not even deserving of being referred to by his name.
He is someone that I don't like to think about often. I certainly do not talk about him. It was my freshman year of college, and I was too green to burn. I hadn't ever had a real boyfriend, and I was ripe for the picking. Young, virginal, reeling with newfound independence...I was an easy mark.
We met in a group of friends; I didn't think he noticed me at all the first night. He was cute enough--previously a football player in JuCo. So, when I heard through the grapevine that he wanted my number, I was surprised. And, although my friend told me that she had heard some not-so-good things about him, I decided to chance it.
Apparently, he had a little reputation of being a stalker. Calling too many times, showing up when he wasn't supposed to, etc. I brushed it off as girls being stupid and petty. My internal alarms were blaring STOP! THIS IS WRONG! But I squelched them and pressed ahead. I wanted to be wanted.
To be continued...
He is someone that I don't like to think about often. I certainly do not talk about him. It was my freshman year of college, and I was too green to burn. I hadn't ever had a real boyfriend, and I was ripe for the picking. Young, virginal, reeling with newfound independence...I was an easy mark.
We met in a group of friends; I didn't think he noticed me at all the first night. He was cute enough--previously a football player in JuCo. So, when I heard through the grapevine that he wanted my number, I was surprised. And, although my friend told me that she had heard some not-so-good things about him, I decided to chance it.
Apparently, he had a little reputation of being a stalker. Calling too many times, showing up when he wasn't supposed to, etc. I brushed it off as girls being stupid and petty. My internal alarms were blaring STOP! THIS IS WRONG! But I squelched them and pressed ahead. I wanted to be wanted.
To be continued...
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Rambling
I woke up at 4:45 this morning with the intent to do some cleaning or exercise. I sat down *just for a minute* to read the end of Eclipse, and well, next thing I knew...it was 6:00 and I still wasn't finished the book yet!! At least I got through the fight. (Re-read, I should say. I have finished the series once.)
I love to read. My problem is getting too distracted when I am in a book. I find it virtually impossible to put it down.
I am so pre-menstrual right now it is driving me mad. I feel completely de-railed. Argh. Pressing on. It will pass. I wish that I could clue into myself enough to spill it all on paper, but I can't form a thought that I am willing to type. Maybe later.
I love to read. My problem is getting too distracted when I am in a book. I find it virtually impossible to put it down.
I am so pre-menstrual right now it is driving me mad. I feel completely de-railed. Argh. Pressing on. It will pass. I wish that I could clue into myself enough to spill it all on paper, but I can't form a thought that I am willing to type. Maybe later.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Okay, I Get It...I Suck.
Scratch that plan for July. My self-imposed writing challenge was the surest way to block anything close to inspirational. Whatev.
Why is it, though, that I have such a hard time doing the things that I like to do? Like writing, or walking, or having a clean house? I can rationalize not doing them all day long so well, you would think I was trying to avoid the plague!! Blah!
Today I am feeling really unbalanced. I need to center myself. I think I am getting more comfortable with taking a spiritual journey (seeking things outside of Christianity...not to replace, just to supplement) and trying to just breathe and focus.
I have an overriding thought the last couple of days. Not a totally foreign one, but it is making me think. I wonder if I am being present enough for my kids. Is there a way for me to not work (or not work so much) and be able to provide for them? I feel like I am not able to give them enough consistent quality time...I'm sure a concern of all working mothers...and I am so stressed to the max, that I can't really be present when I am with them. I worry about my daughter. I think she needs me more, and needs more structure. Less TV. How can I accomplish this? How could I be able to pick her up in the afternoons and help her with her homework rather than squeezing it in after I get home at 6:00 in the evenings?
How could I afford to pay my bills? Other people get by with a lot less salary than we have--why can't I?
(I know the answer to that last question is 'because I don't want to,' but I don't want to accept that fact right now).
To be continued...
Why is it, though, that I have such a hard time doing the things that I like to do? Like writing, or walking, or having a clean house? I can rationalize not doing them all day long so well, you would think I was trying to avoid the plague!! Blah!
Today I am feeling really unbalanced. I need to center myself. I think I am getting more comfortable with taking a spiritual journey (seeking things outside of Christianity...not to replace, just to supplement) and trying to just breathe and focus.
I have an overriding thought the last couple of days. Not a totally foreign one, but it is making me think. I wonder if I am being present enough for my kids. Is there a way for me to not work (or not work so much) and be able to provide for them? I feel like I am not able to give them enough consistent quality time...I'm sure a concern of all working mothers...and I am so stressed to the max, that I can't really be present when I am with them. I worry about my daughter. I think she needs me more, and needs more structure. Less TV. How can I accomplish this? How could I be able to pick her up in the afternoons and help her with her homework rather than squeezing it in after I get home at 6:00 in the evenings?
How could I afford to pay my bills? Other people get by with a lot less salary than we have--why can't I?
(I know the answer to that last question is 'because I don't want to,' but I don't want to accept that fact right now).
To be continued...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Whoops
So, five days in and already missing days. Oh well, I'm going to press on. I actually had an idea for a post, but now I've lost it. I'll be back...
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Zen
I had a good walk first thing this morning and it got my creative juices flowing. I came home and made a patriotic door hanging that I like. I really am trying to let my exercise be an organic process right now. I am not forcing it, just enjoying it.
All in all, a pretty good day. Am looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with the fam. Hopefully it will be low on drama!
All in all, a pretty good day. Am looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with the fam. Hopefully it will be low on drama!
Friday, July 2, 2010
I Knew That I Would
(as in..."I Feel Good, nananananaNA...")
I really feel good today. I feel like I have a grip. All of a sudden, I really feel like I am getting the full benefit of my meds. Before, I could tell that I was coming out of the fog, but TODAY! Today I am fog-free!!
In celebration of being angst-free, I am going to start my list of things that make me happy. Originally, I had intended on waiting until I got to 100 Things to post it, but there is no time like the present!!
Ahem, in no particular order...
1. Target
2. Coffee
3. Post-its
4. Making lists
5. Scratching things off lists
6. Daydreaming
7. Painting
8. Walking (exercise walking)
9. the smell of asphalt after it rains in the summer
10. New makeup
11. a good book
12. Drinking in the afternoon
13. Patios
14. catching up with old friends
15. quiet time with myself
16. pedicures
17. being fiscally responsible (trying to get there...)
18. blogging
19. a really good bargain
20. trashy magazines, the kind you find in line at the grocery store.
21. reality TV.
22. songs that remind me of college
I am trying to carve out some time for myself in the mornings just to breathe and reflect. I want to spend more time focusing on the positive things in life than kvetching about the negative.
Peace
I really feel good today. I feel like I have a grip. All of a sudden, I really feel like I am getting the full benefit of my meds. Before, I could tell that I was coming out of the fog, but TODAY! Today I am fog-free!!
In celebration of being angst-free, I am going to start my list of things that make me happy. Originally, I had intended on waiting until I got to 100 Things to post it, but there is no time like the present!!
Ahem, in no particular order...
1. Target
2. Coffee
3. Post-its
4. Making lists
5. Scratching things off lists
6. Daydreaming
7. Painting
8. Walking (exercise walking)
9. the smell of asphalt after it rains in the summer
10. New makeup
11. a good book
12. Drinking in the afternoon
13. Patios
14. catching up with old friends
15. quiet time with myself
16. pedicures
17. being fiscally responsible (trying to get there...)
18. blogging
19. a really good bargain
20. trashy magazines, the kind you find in line at the grocery store.
21. reality TV.
22. songs that remind me of college
I am trying to carve out some time for myself in the mornings just to breathe and reflect. I want to spend more time focusing on the positive things in life than kvetching about the negative.
Peace
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Random Thought I Don't Want to Tweet
Prozac = liberating dose of self assurance.
That, or a better defined sense of Fuck It.
Either way, I'm loving it.
I just realized that I did not take it this morning. whoops.
That, or a better defined sense of Fuck It.
Either way, I'm loving it.
I just realized that I did not take it this morning. whoops.
July Jabber
I need a challenge. I am going to attempt to blog each day in July. I like writing as an outlet, but the hardest part for me is finding inspiration and beginning. So, I am going to do what I do best: force it. I'm not promising anything super-exciting...just something every day. And, if I miss a day, no hard feelings. Its my game, its my rules. I'm the only one reading this anyways.
I like being anonymous in my blog. I have another blog where I am not anonymous, and its great and all, but its very vanilla. Pics of the kids, lighthearted stories, etc. I don't have the balls enough there to really write.
I would love to be able to write a book. A memoir of sorts, I think. The more I get comfortable with myself, the more I could see this happening. I have no clear direction, but if I force myself to write it, I could ferret out the story. Maybe an embellished memoir.
"How wonderful it is that nobody needs wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." -Anne Frank
I like being anonymous in my blog. I have another blog where I am not anonymous, and its great and all, but its very vanilla. Pics of the kids, lighthearted stories, etc. I don't have the balls enough there to really write.
I would love to be able to write a book. A memoir of sorts, I think. The more I get comfortable with myself, the more I could see this happening. I have no clear direction, but if I force myself to write it, I could ferret out the story. Maybe an embellished memoir.
"How wonderful it is that nobody needs wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." -Anne Frank
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