Forgive me this moment of self-indulgence. Recovering from an eating disorder has got to be harder than being a recovering alcoholic. That probably sounds unintelligent and self-serving, and I guess it is. But you don't need alcohol to survive. If you stop drinking, you don't have to keep drinking...just not too much or too little.
However, with food...you kind of do need it to survive. You can't just stop. And with an eating disorder, it is a daily, hourly, minute-ly (ahem) battle with a) if you are eating; b) what you are eating; c) how much you are eating, etc. You can't escape it.
I had a stomach bug last week and threw up once. It was the first time in over 6 months that I had vomited. And it was involuntary, honestly. And yet, I still felt a warm sense of happiness wash over me when it happened. I have realized over the past week that with the help of meds and time, I do not have the strong desire to purge any more. That is an accomplishment. Yet, I still fight a daily battle between not eating enough and eating too much.
I used to wish to be anorexic (rather than bullemic). I coveted the willpower it took to simply not. eat. food. I guess that's just not my brand of crazy, though...I was never any good at it. I still have that thought flash through my head at times. And I am still no good at not eating.
So, I do feel that I am "better" in a sense, but the reality that I must accept is that I will live with this for the rest of my life to some degree.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Great Message
...in church, of all places! Yesterday, the homily was about choices. If someone walked up to you with two platters and on one was bad health and the other was good health...well, the choice is obvious, isn't it? We would all certainly choose good health. So, picture the same person walking up with the same two platters, but on one was cheeseburgers, fries, cake, chips, m & ms, the works, and on the other was broccoli and tofu...the choice becomes a little more difficult.
Difficult, but still basic. Our lives come down to choices. They are constant, and can be overwhelming...but we choose our outcomes. They are not handed to us. If I want to be healthy, then I need to evaluate each decision I make and choose the path that will lead to health...mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.
And yes, each time I have one of these life-changing epiphanies, they seem rather...obvious and blatant, but if I had this all figured out from the get-go, well, then life wouldn't be very fun now, would it?
Difficult, but still basic. Our lives come down to choices. They are constant, and can be overwhelming...but we choose our outcomes. They are not handed to us. If I want to be healthy, then I need to evaluate each decision I make and choose the path that will lead to health...mentally, physically, emotionally, etc.
And yes, each time I have one of these life-changing epiphanies, they seem rather...obvious and blatant, but if I had this all figured out from the get-go, well, then life wouldn't be very fun now, would it?
Monday, May 3, 2010
Things To Do Today...
As this is my venue for airing my neurotic successes (and non-successes), allow me to digress...
I have to brag on myself for mostly sticking to my house-cleaning schedule last week. Yes, many things were done after schedule....but they were done! I am not going to be on the cover of Southern Living...well, ever, but certainly not anytime soon, but I am counting this as capital 'P' Progress!!
Having a schedule WRITTEN IN BLACK AND WHITE that I can physically encounter every day is essential to me getting things done. Its just how my mind operates. I am an ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs, and while I can't tell you in detail what that means exactly, I can tell you this: I (marginally) draw my energy from other people, I don't like a lot of bullshit, I make decisions based on fact and reason rather than feelings (mostly), and I LIKE LISTS!! You would think that by the hardened age of 32 I would have realized that this would apply to housework as well as everyotherthingikeeplistsfor. Who knew? Pressing on...
I have to brag on myself for mostly sticking to my house-cleaning schedule last week. Yes, many things were done after schedule....but they were done! I am not going to be on the cover of Southern Living...well, ever, but certainly not anytime soon, but I am counting this as capital 'P' Progress!!
Having a schedule WRITTEN IN BLACK AND WHITE that I can physically encounter every day is essential to me getting things done. Its just how my mind operates. I am an ESTJ on the Myers-Briggs, and while I can't tell you in detail what that means exactly, I can tell you this: I (marginally) draw my energy from other people, I don't like a lot of bullshit, I make decisions based on fact and reason rather than feelings (mostly), and I LIKE LISTS!! You would think that by the hardened age of 32 I would have realized that this would apply to housework as well as everyotherthingikeeplistsfor. Who knew? Pressing on...
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Clarity, Briefly
Had a good follow up with my Internist today. She is the best. Yes, I need a psychiatrist, but my Internist is my Confessor, the only one (well, her and her GI spouse) that know the tip of my secret iceberg.
I feel healthier having visited her, somehow more whole. I think that I would greatly benefit from having a counselor/therapist in the same way, but...baby steps. We are upping my dose of Prozac. Its funny, 4 months ago - although I KNEW I needed to be on something - I dreaded it. I felt as if I was admitting defeat. I should be able to manage my emotions, my behaviors, my self. Problem is...I can't. I can't do it without help. Anyway, today, even before the dose increase...I don't want to stop taking the meds. I feel as if I have been ironed out. I am able to think through things clearly and process things on what feels like a normal level. I can be outside of my head. Oh, how much do I love being outside of my head?!?!!!!
Recently, an acquaintance remarked on how they have seen me at the gym with no headphones. "I could never do that," she said. My response was that I have a lot of things to sort out up there. And it's true. I may never come to a conclusion, but I have always felt the need to focus my energy on just thinking sometimes. It may be an elaborate fantasy that I want to think through, just to escape. It may be mulling over my relationships, my shortcomings, my successes. Either way, sometimes I just have to wrap myself in silence and just exist alone with my thoughts. What I am learning is that for me, the flip side of that is just as important: I have to periodically 'check out' of my self and realize that I can...I am...functioning...and I am doing okay.
I feel healthier having visited her, somehow more whole. I think that I would greatly benefit from having a counselor/therapist in the same way, but...baby steps. We are upping my dose of Prozac. Its funny, 4 months ago - although I KNEW I needed to be on something - I dreaded it. I felt as if I was admitting defeat. I should be able to manage my emotions, my behaviors, my self. Problem is...I can't. I can't do it without help. Anyway, today, even before the dose increase...I don't want to stop taking the meds. I feel as if I have been ironed out. I am able to think through things clearly and process things on what feels like a normal level. I can be outside of my head. Oh, how much do I love being outside of my head?!?!!!!
Recently, an acquaintance remarked on how they have seen me at the gym with no headphones. "I could never do that," she said. My response was that I have a lot of things to sort out up there. And it's true. I may never come to a conclusion, but I have always felt the need to focus my energy on just thinking sometimes. It may be an elaborate fantasy that I want to think through, just to escape. It may be mulling over my relationships, my shortcomings, my successes. Either way, sometimes I just have to wrap myself in silence and just exist alone with my thoughts. What I am learning is that for me, the flip side of that is just as important: I have to periodically 'check out' of my self and realize that I can...I am...functioning...and I am doing okay.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Let It Be
Wow. I really thought I had more to say than this. I don't want to be all dark all the time, and I guess I haven't been feeling too dark at all lately to want to come here and reflect. Just a few random observations/ponderings...
I always thought that I partied a normal amount in college. I recently have been reflecting on that somewhat and am wondering if that is not so much true. I have a friend that in college swore that she saw me getting sick in a garbage can in our dorm. A fact that I always laughingly disputed...but now I wonder, did it actually happen and I have absolutely no memory of it (or ever did. I have a terrible memory).
One I was thinking about this morning is a formal party I went to my freshman year. I remember getting ready in the dorm. I was wearing the dress I had worn to junior prom. I remember getting ready, because other girls on my hall were going to a different formal than I was that night, and I remember talking about it with them. I can remember nothing else from that night. I don't remember getting picked up, I don't remember where the party was, I don't remember what I drank, ate, said, did....anything. Did I get so fucked up that I blacked out? (well, obviously, but I passed out a LOT, and yet still could remember things that went on) Or did something awful happen that I have deleted from my memory? It is bizarre.
I have always felt a little (probably within the range of normal) awkward in social situations, and alcohol always helps. At the time, I never thought of myself as taking it too far. But more often than not, when I started drinking, I kept going until I could drink no more. Due to not being conscious. Hmmm...
Second random thought of the day. I have always been overly inquisitive. Why not just ask? A lot of times, people will answer. Well, I got my comeuppance last week. I don't want to elaborate, but I unfortunately stumbled upon some history last week (because I asked) that I believe has very subconsciously effected my psyche and has unknowingly contributed directly to my neuroses. Getting this information has made me so much less curious about things...at least for the time being. Sometimes, there really are things you don't want to know. But when you find out, you can't go back. I feel like my whole world has been rocked off of its axis. And yet, at the same time, nothing has changed. And I think that I feel oddly comforted, somewhere in the depths of being completely horrified, by this knowledge.
Life goes on.
I always thought that I partied a normal amount in college. I recently have been reflecting on that somewhat and am wondering if that is not so much true. I have a friend that in college swore that she saw me getting sick in a garbage can in our dorm. A fact that I always laughingly disputed...but now I wonder, did it actually happen and I have absolutely no memory of it (or ever did. I have a terrible memory).
One I was thinking about this morning is a formal party I went to my freshman year. I remember getting ready in the dorm. I was wearing the dress I had worn to junior prom. I remember getting ready, because other girls on my hall were going to a different formal than I was that night, and I remember talking about it with them. I can remember nothing else from that night. I don't remember getting picked up, I don't remember where the party was, I don't remember what I drank, ate, said, did....anything. Did I get so fucked up that I blacked out? (well, obviously, but I passed out a LOT, and yet still could remember things that went on) Or did something awful happen that I have deleted from my memory? It is bizarre.
I have always felt a little (probably within the range of normal) awkward in social situations, and alcohol always helps. At the time, I never thought of myself as taking it too far. But more often than not, when I started drinking, I kept going until I could drink no more. Due to not being conscious. Hmmm...
Second random thought of the day. I have always been overly inquisitive. Why not just ask? A lot of times, people will answer. Well, I got my comeuppance last week. I don't want to elaborate, but I unfortunately stumbled upon some history last week (because I asked) that I believe has very subconsciously effected my psyche and has unknowingly contributed directly to my neuroses. Getting this information has made me so much less curious about things...at least for the time being. Sometimes, there really are things you don't want to know. But when you find out, you can't go back. I feel like my whole world has been rocked off of its axis. And yet, at the same time, nothing has changed. And I think that I feel oddly comforted, somewhere in the depths of being completely horrified, by this knowledge.
Life goes on.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Thought for the Day
I found this website, and it makes me smile.
http://operationbeautiful.com/
Its important to remember that we are not alone, and that we are all beautiful.
http://operationbeautiful.com/
Its important to remember that we are not alone, and that we are all beautiful.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Starting....Now.
I have done nothing but eat for the past week. And how! Junk, junk, junque!!! It has been disgusting, and I have probably put on at least 8 pounds (in two weeks, I'll say). However, through the magic of prozac, I am secure in the fact that I will regain ground quickly and get back into my healthy eating routine. And, truly, I want to. I feel gross.
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