Okay, I Get It...I Suck.

Scratch that plan for July. My self-imposed writing challenge was the surest way to block anything close to inspirational. Whatev.

Why is it, though, that I have such a hard time doing the things that I like to do? Like writing, or walking, or having a clean house? I can rationalize not doing them all day long so well, you would think I was trying to avoid the plague!! Blah!

Today I am feeling really unbalanced. I need to center myself. I think I am getting more comfortable with taking a spiritual journey (seeking things outside of Christianity...not to replace, just to supplement) and trying to just breathe and focus.

I have an overriding thought the last couple of days. Not a totally foreign one, but it is making me think. I wonder if I am being present enough for my kids. Is there a way for me to not work (or not work so much) and be able to provide for them? I feel like I am not able to give them enough consistent quality time...I'm sure a concern of all working mothers...and I am so stressed to the max, that I can't really be present when I am with them. I worry about my daughter. I think she needs me more, and needs more structure. Less TV. How can I accomplish this? How could I be able to pick her up in the afternoons and help her with her homework rather than squeezing it in after I get home at 6:00 in the evenings?
How could I afford to pay my bills? Other people get by with a lot less salary than we have--why can't I?

(I know the answer to that last question is 'because I don't want to,' but I don't want to accept that fact right now).

To be continued...

Whoops

So, five days in and already missing days. Oh well, I'm going to press on. I actually had an idea for a post, but now I've lost it. I'll be back...

Life is What Happens While You're Busy Making Other Plans

Happy Fourth!!

Zen

I had a good walk first thing this morning and it got my creative juices flowing. I came home and made a patriotic door hanging that I like. I really am trying to let my exercise be an organic process right now. I am not forcing it, just enjoying it.

All in all, a pretty good day. Am looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with the fam. Hopefully it will be low on drama!

I Knew That I Would

(as in..."I Feel Good, nananananaNA...")
I really feel good today. I feel like I have a grip. All of a sudden, I really feel like I am getting the full benefit of my meds. Before, I could tell that I was coming out of the fog, but TODAY! Today I am fog-free!!

In celebration of being angst-free, I am going to start my list of things that make me happy. Originally, I had intended on waiting until I got to 100 Things to post it, but there is no time like the present!!

Ahem, in no particular order...
1. Target
2. Coffee
3. Post-its
4. Making lists
5. Scratching things off lists
6. Daydreaming
7. Painting
8. Walking (exercise walking)
9. the smell of asphalt after it rains in the summer
10. New makeup
11. a good book
12. Drinking in the afternoon
13. Patios
14. catching up with old friends
15. quiet time with myself
16. pedicures
17. being fiscally responsible (trying to get there...)
18. blogging
19. a really good bargain
20. trashy magazines, the kind you find in line at the grocery store.
21. reality TV.
22. songs that remind me of college

I am trying to carve out some time for myself in the mornings just to breathe and reflect. I want to spend more time focusing on the positive things in life than kvetching about the negative.

Peace

Random Thought I Don't Want to Tweet

Prozac = liberating dose of self assurance.
That, or a better defined sense of Fuck It.
Either way, I'm loving it.

I just realized that I did not take it this morning. whoops.

July Jabber

I need a challenge. I am going to attempt to blog each day in July. I like writing as an outlet, but the hardest part for me is finding inspiration and beginning. So, I am going to do what I do best: force it. I'm not promising anything super-exciting...just something every day. And, if I miss a day, no hard feelings. Its my game, its my rules. I'm the only one reading this anyways.

I like being anonymous in my blog. I have another blog where I am not anonymous, and its great and all, but its very vanilla. Pics of the kids, lighthearted stories, etc. I don't have the balls enough there to really write.

I would love to be able to write a book. A memoir of sorts, I think. The more I get comfortable with myself, the more I could see this happening. I have no clear direction, but if I force myself to write it, I could ferret out the story. Maybe an embellished memoir.

"How wonderful it is that nobody needs wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." -Anne Frank